I’ve been struggling with what to write recently. I don’t feel like I’ve been going through a particular episode, or anything that’s worthy of being written about. If anyone asks me how I am, I would say I’m fine. I am fine. That’s not even a lie. I’m just fine. The problem with being fine is that it doesn’t really feel like anything. I’m not dying inside because I feel sad and I’m not bouncing off the walls because I’m happy. Everything in between often feels like complete nothingness. Emotions can be so overwhelming and sometimes I just want it all to stop. I want to not feel a build up of anger that’s related to absolutely nothing. I want to not feel gut wrenching sadness simply because my brain fancies it. I don’t want my body to ache because of anxiety. I don’t want to irritate and exhaust myself with the manic happiness. And most of all, I just want to not have to hold that all in to appear ‘normal’ or ‘stable’. Sometimes. But then it comes, my wish, my desire to feel nothing for a while. And then I wonder if I’ll feel anything again. How long will this last? Where am I? Today I realised that amongst this nothingness, I feel lost. I’m not sleeping well, an indication that my brain isn’t doing so good, although it’s keeping it all a bit hush hush at the moment. I’m not entirely sure what the problem is. Something? Anything? Nothing, I guess. During these stages I often question what it is that’s actually wrong with me. I often believe that I’ve made everything up. Even when I’m physically ill, I obsess over my symptoms because in my mind, I’ve made it up. And right now I can’t quite grip on to anything about myself. What’s real and how do I recognise it? It’s like being in a dark, unfamiliar environment and you’re just reaching out in the hopes of finding something or someone orientate yourself. I want to be able to find me, the real me. At this moment in time I just really don’t know who she is. This is what the nothingness is. It’s being lost. There feels like there are a lot of versions of me and I don’t really know what’s real and what parts of me are true to me and not something I’m mirroring to make someone like or love me. How do you figure that out? Sometimes I feel like it’s at my fingertips and then it goes. Can I please just be normal? With a normal range of emotions. Normal thought patterns. Can I just be the person I was meant to be before trauma changed the way my brain works? Fuck sake, I should have asked Santa. Too late now.
I am fine though. That wasn’t a lie.
Look after your brain and be kind to yourself and others. Bella xx
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