Do you ever wake up angry at the world? I dreamt that I tried to kill myself again and it completely fucked my morning. I didn’t want to take my pills. I didn’t even want to look at them. So I didn’t.
I felt so angry that my brain would remind me of such a horrible time.
I felt so angry that thoughts of suicide are never too far away. Even in my sleep. A time where I’m supposed to feel peace.
I felt angry about the things that seem so easy for other people being a daily struggle for me at the moment. Showering. Cleaning the house. Talking to friends. Going to the gym. Just generally looking after my health and well-being. And then because of the story my brain made up in my sleep I didn’t even want to touch the things that are meant to make things better. What the fuck’s that all about?! Sometimes when I get into these kinds of mindsets, I wonder if I’ll ever get out of it. Will I ever want to take my medication again?
Anyway, I burst into tears about something really stupid at about 10am which dissolved the anger into absolute sorrow. It’s amazing how starting a day off by waking up from a dream about an attempted suicide can impact your resilience. One thing I really dislike is when I feel sorry for myself. It’s not in my nature so even if it’s for a minute or two, it pisses me off. Usually once I’ve finished crying, a lot of what I’m feeling disappears for a while and I no longer feel sorry for myself, I don’t feel angry and I don’t particularly feel sad. So maybe an altered resilience isn’t such a bad thing on days where there’s a lot inside that needs to be cried out. All those emotions need to go somewhere.
At some point during the day, whilst I worked, doing what I do best in the world, I found my place again. My dream was forgotten. I no longer felt sick to my stomach, remembering that I’d once carried out the actions that played so vividly in my dream. I no longer felt terrified that I might do it again. I felt settled. I felt calm. I felt resilient.
Look after your brain and be kind to yourself and others. Bella xx
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