Everyone else seems to experience love and relationships so beautifully and effortlessly but they make me a total insecure, overthinking, anxious little mess.
I started dating someone at the end of August. He’s wonderful. He’s kind. He’s incredibly sweet. He’s patient with me. And he’s so fucking handsome! At the start, my guard was up and the ice queen was out in full force. I tried to break it off and friend-zone him when I started to see myself in a relationship with him. I know that sounds backwards and I’d have sworn blind it’s because I didn’t like him but in all honesty it’s my way of protecting my heart. My friends kept telling me to stop self sabotaging and luckily he saw through me. So now I’m completely besotted with him and fuck is that terrifying!! I forgot what this felt like. I forgot how intense it can feel. I forgot how difficult it is.
I’ve been single for 4 Years 1/2 years and my previous relationship lasted 3 years so the start of a relationship feels like a completely new experience for me and whilst I experience fear of abandonment in all of my relationships, it’s romantic relationships where I feel most vulnerable.
It’s such a gamble, isn’t it? Love?! In order to love and be loved, you have to let your guard down, show yourself for who you are, open yourself up to another person. And even if you do all that, even if you think they’re just perfect for you, there is no guarantee that this person will like you back. So if they leave you’ve created this vulnerability for nothing. Maybe you’ll have some nice memories. Maybe you’ll learn something about yourself that you didn’t know before. Maybe you’ll find out what you really want in a partner. I mean, that’s all well and good but I’d rather not have my heart broken for that. I truly admire those hopeless romantics who put themselves out there time and time again, despite their heartbreak, despite the rejections, I don’t know how they do it. The anxiety, the fear of being left and hurt, it’s almost too much to bare.
There’s a rational part of my brain that says the reason he didn’t answer the phone is because he fell asleep, the reason he hasn’t text back is because he’s busy, and the reason he’s late is because he’s stuck in traffic. The other part of me, the bit I don’t like, thats the part of my brain that tells me he doesn’t want me anymore, he doesn’t like me, he’s not coming because he doesn’t want to see me again. And as soon as he calls, as soon as he texts and as soon as he knocks at my door, he reassures me and the anxiety fades away. He couldn’t possibly do more to make me feel wanted. In this case it really isn’t him, and it really is me. I don’t feel worthy of love. I don’t understand why anyone would want me. I don’t believe that anyone could truly love me because I don’t even like myself a lot of the time.
For the first time in years I’ve opened myself up to the possibility of loving someone and letting them into my heart and I’m just absolutely terrified that I’ll get hurt. The last time it happened I ended up in a really dark place.
I know this stage won’t last forever, I know that one day it’ll either end or we’ll move forward into a committed relationship. It’s the not knowing which way it’s going to go that worries me. It heightens all those insecurities and doubt. The worst part of all this is that if anything is going to ruin this for me, it’ll be the fear of abandonment, if only I could just calm down and enjoy the process instead of constantly questioning it and asking for reassurance. If only!
Look after your brain and please be kind to yourself. Bella xx
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