There have been times in my life when I absolutely loved the person I was. Full of confidence, full of self love and feeling like my true self. But then I go through phases where looking at myself causes me distress and anxiety and that’s where I am right now and my thoughts are currently bordering on obsessive.
In recent weeks I’ve been questioning and examining everything about myself. My character. My values. The way I look. The way I behave. How good I am at my job. My confidence is at an all time low and it’s so hard to look at my face. I don’t like her right now because she seems different. I don’t know her. I don’t feel much of a connection with the face in the mirror and that can be frightening at times. All the overanalysing has led to a complete dislike of the body I’m living in and the brain that controls it. The negative self talk is very loud at the moment – a thief of time and happiness. Little bastard.
Although I feel like I’m no longer in the depths of depression, I feel like there are parts of me that haven’t come back. If you’re old enough you’ll get the reference but I feel like it’s when you used to have to retune a television back in the day and some of the channels wouldn’t come back. Some of me hasn’t made it out of the of the dark black hole that was my depression and I so desperately want to be me again. I want to laugh obnoxiously loud, I want to dance like an idiot and sing out of tune. I want to feel free. I want to feel genuine again. But right now I feel fake and full of self hate, guilt, embarrassment and anxiety.
I have nice hair. Well, right now the roots are horrendous but generally speaking my hair is nice. And I can be funny sometimes. Good hair and a smart mouth, I guess that’s not a bad start.
Look after your brain and please be kind to yourself. Bella xx
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