Saturday: I’m coming out of the dissociation! I feel real. My surroundings feel real. I’m grounded. I’m calm. Things are funny again. I can make jokes again. I can smile without faking it. I can eat (and you best believe I’m making up for lost time). I’ve showered and I washed and brushed my hair (I had a big matted clump in the back but I’m a pro at removing those now). I can sleep. I have slowly regained my sense of identity and my purpose in life and it feels good.
I was expecting to have a meltdown when I started feeling again and started realising the magnitude of what happened a week ago but it never quite manifested. I feel a bit weird that I haven’t had that overwhelming sadness and maybe I’m more fucked up than I first thought because I’m not reacting in a way people would expect. I know that with BPD you can go from one extreme to another and that’s part of the unstable emotions but I worry what it looks like from the outside. I went completely numb and now I’m back to how I was before it happened. Like, is that normal after a traumatic event? But then what’s even normal?! I don’t think anyone really knows how to feel or behave.
At 2.30am on Wednesday morning I had a little breakdown but my brain quite quickly shut that shit down. Since then I have been tearful but it’s been over adverts on TV (a guy with motor neurone disease reclaiming his independence) or pictures of dogs or babies. And that’s the extent of the tears I’ve cried. The one overwhelming feeling I have had is of gratitude. Despite what has happened, my friends, family and colleagues have been extremely supportive and that really makes a huge difference.
Being honest about mental health is really difficult. Not everyone will understand what you’re going through but my Dad said to me ‘if it makes sense to you, that’s all that matters’ and that’s really helped me with moving on from this setback. It’s ok to tell people what’s going on without needing their understanding, as long as a lack of understanding doesn’t lead to a lack of empathy and support.
What I have learnt from this is that it is ok to ask for help, not everyone is judging me. It’s ok to show my vulnerability, not everyone will exploit it. And it’s ok to be honest, because not everyone is going to dispute it.
I’d like to think I’m back on the road to recovery and what happened last week was just a (fucking huge) bump in the road. Time will tell.
As I said before, one day at a time….
Look after your brain and please be kind to yourself. Bella xx
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