Monday: Over the last few weeks I’ve been getting compliments on how happy I look. And that’s because I wasn’t faking it. I felt genuine happiness and genuine contentment and looking at myself and my pictures I can see a real difference in myself. I have still been experiencing the mood swings, intrusive thoughts and the occasional meltdown but I have felt able to manage them better which has been an incredibly positive change for me. I’ve been able to recognise that those thoughts are just thoughts and I can rationalise things more calmly or tell the loud and annoying intrusive thought bitch to fuck off and she does. I felt I was really in recovery from depression and it felt amazing. I felt so proud.
On Saturday I experienced a major setback and I have spent the last few days trying to come to terms with that. I really didn’t realise how vulnerable I still am. I didn’t even see it coming. I wasn’t going to write about this so I won’t go into details but I thought maybe it would help me to get it out of my head and try to make it make sense. I’m desperate to see the world outside of my bubble again.
The truth is I can’t right now, because I feel completely numb. I’m experiencing what is known as dissociation and I’m trying so hard to get through this stage and back into recovery. Dissociation is different for everybody and this is the first time I’ve experienced it like this. It’s like my brain doesn’t want me to experience any sort of emotion because of the overwhelming response I have to any kind of negativity. My brain is trying to protect me!
Have you ever been afraid to sleep because you’re not ready to face what your subconscious has to tell you? Every time I fall asleep at the moment it’s like my body wakes itself back up as soon as I’m confronted by any type of dream or subconscious thought process. My body stays tense and I can’t get comfortable. It’s fucking annoying and I’m exhausted. I’ve woken up in panics, fighting with my duvet after falling into a dream that my brain didn’t appreciate.
Outside of sleep it feels like the world around me isn’t quite real. Like I’m on a movie set or something. I could do anything and it wouldn’t have any consequences because it’s not real. I don’t feel any attachment to my surroundings. I don’t know the person in the mirror. It feels weird. And I don’t like it. But the alternative may be worse and I don’t want that either. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to shower. I don’t want to move. I’m safe here and that’s where I want to stay. I feel like I’ve got tunnel vision and the world around me isn’t really there and anything too far ahead is blurry.
I read something earlier that said ‘focus on the individual steps rather than the whole stair case’ and I think that’s going to be how I work through this.
One step at a time, one day at a time…..
Look after your brain. Please be kind to yourself. Bella xx
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999 if you’re in crisis and cannot keep yourself safe