The last time I fell in love was in 2013. I fell hard and I loved with my whole heart. For a while it was bliss and I thought I’d found the one; but I was wrong. The end of that relationship broke me and it took me a long time to get over the loss and all the pain it caused me. I’ve been single for 4 years now and I have grown so much in that time. I’ve learnt so much about myself and the broken girl I was then is no match for the woman I am now. I’m proud of that.
Recently I’ve started to think about why I haven’t allowed myself to get back into a relationship and it’s been somewhat confusing to try and figure it out. I want to love and I want to be loved but I also couldn’t think of anything worse! Thinking back on my old relationships I have come to believe that nobody has ever really been in love with me. I always feel like I love too hard and I’ve never found a match for that. I’ve always felt as if I wasn’t good enough.
I saw something earlier that said ‘you’re not scared of new love, you’re scared of old pain’ and that really resonated with me. I never want to feel the way I felt when my last relationship ended. Since that breakup I have attached myself to those who are unavailable. And I don’t mean the ones who already have a partner. I mean the ones who are emotionally unavailable, the ones who don’t want a relationship, the ones who say they have commitment issues. Ultimately I’m aware that any relationship with those people is never going to go anywhere. It doesn’t stop me obsessing over them and fantasising about a future with them, but knowing that at some point they will definitely leave means I feel less vulnerable. I don’t need to panic about it because I know that it’s not because of something I’ve done. I still get hurt. I still get that horrible gut wrenching feeling. I still check my phone as soon as I wake up hoping to see their name on my message list. I still obsess over the last time they were online. I still feel unloveable and unworthy of love. I still cry. I still look for their face everywhere I go. But instead of acting like a bunny boiler, I do all that in secret and they’d never know. And instead of it taking over a year to get over, it only takes a few weeks. Not having made any commitments makes it easier.
The ones who are available and show me interest get the ice queen who has walls bigger than Donald Trump could ever wish to build. To those people, I’m the unavailable one. As soon as someone seems willing to give me what I fantasise about having with the unavailable ones, I start to panic. There’s a vulnerability in falling in love, there’s a vulnerability in telling someone everything about you. When and how do you do that? I’ve never done that before.
How do I tell someone that I’m emotionally unstable? How do I tell someone that falling in love is overwhelming for me? How do I tell someone that I’m likely to push them away over and over again but then beg them to stay when they eventually get sick of me pushing and go? How do I tell someone that I will immediately think the worst and break down whenever we have a disagreement? How do I tell someone that I will have constant anxiety about them leaving or finding someone better? How do I tell someone that I’ll be clingy and obsessive? How do I tell someone that I need constant reassurance that they love me? How do I tell someone that I struggle to trust anyone? How do I tell someone that it’s likely that I’ll be paranoid about their relationships with other women? I don’t want to do all that and face the possibility that because of those things, this person will leave. Who would want all that in a partner? I honestly don’t know if I could handle that in someone. I really wouldn’t blame anyone for not wanting that in me. That’s what I’m afraid of.
Look after your brain. Bella xx
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