I feel like I haven’t written a blog post in a while. I think I’ve been trying to figure out who I am following my diagnosis. My brain does this thing where it tells me I’ve made it up and I’ve manipulated my psychiatrist into giving my a diagnosis. It does this to me a lot.
I did this when I got diagnosed with endometriosis, which is diagnosis based on physical symptoms and I’d had lots of scans and tests, an MRI scan and an operation but I was still convinced that I’d made it up. So much so I asked my friend to come with me so I could be sure I hadn’t lied about anything. I’m not a liar. Even if I did lie, my memory is so shit I’d almost definitely fuck up. And my anxiety is a right bitch so I’d feel horrible and end up telling the truth anyway. So I’m not sure why I obsess over thinking that I’ve lied.
It’s quite difficult to lack trust in yourself. The reason I’m telling you this is because this is weighing heavily on my chest today. It is relevant today because that lack of trust in myself makes any kind of conflict really difficult and I’m struggling right now. Nobody likes conflict but I find it almost debilitating sometimes. It stops me in my tracks and everything outside of that conflict just blurs. My fight or flight response feels intense.
I mentioned in one of my previous posts that I have recently lost some close friends. I took myself away from a situation that was triggering for me at the time. I left a situation that caused me a lot of anxiety and a lot of stress. I left a situation that I felt was detrimental to my wellbeing when I was struggling the most with my mental health. It’s taken me a lot to come to terms with those loses and it’s taken a lot for me to overcome the guilt and the shame I feel about my part in the breakdown of those relationships. I know I’m not easy to deal with. I know my behaviour doesn’t always make sense. I know all this and I’ve beaten myself up enough and I work hard to accept these things. But it has also taken a lot for me to accept the fact that the people I lost will never really understand how I experienced the situation and understand how I felt! It’s difficult to explain to people how your mind works when it’s not really working. And it’s even more difficult to explain it when your mind is working(ish) and going back to that place to find answers just isn’t an option. So you just have to accept that you won’t get the closure you want and that it’s not the job of other people to validate your emotions.
I was starting to feel better. I was starting to move on.
One of the friends I lost messaged me last night and everything was immediately triggered. I felt under attack. Maybe that wasn’t her intention but it still felt that way. My brain started spinning and I started to feel sad and guilty all over again. Irrational and intrusive thoughts saw their opening and leapt straight in. My brain is taunting me about what I experienced with her and the other girls. It’s saying that I have made it all up. It’s telling me I wasn’t unwell and so I had no right to feel the way I felt. Those emotions, those feelings, the way I experienced things are not valid, it didn’t happen. I can’t trust the part of my brain that is arguing against those points because now everything is blurry and I can’t remember why I felt so hurt in the first place. This girl is here telling me I’m the one who has been hurting them the whole time. And I’m sure I did and I am genuinely sorry for that but there must have been a reason why I left. There’s no mention about how they have hurt me. My head!!!!
Why can’t I remember?
Ok I remember now, you didn’t make it up….
No bitch that’s a lie!!
See what I’m dealing with here?
As I write this, my head feels fuzzy. It’s heavy too. My stomach is full of violently fluttering giant moths. My hands are cold and my arms don’t feel like they belong to me. My chest feels like it’s drowning in negative emotions that threaten to explode and burst out. My only option is to block it out and block her. I don’t know how else to deal with this conflict. I don’t know how to deal with old friends telling me one thing whilst my brain telling me a whole bunch of other things. Then on top of that I have to argue it with this girl and also argue it with my brain. It’s exhausting. I can’t do it!
There is a world outside of my brain. There’s a world outside of that particular bubble. I’ll be ok.
Look after your brain, Bella xx
Samaritans 116 123
999 if you’re in crisis and can’t keep yourself safe