When Drake said ‘Flip the switch, flip it, flip it’, I felt that. It’s almost definitely not about rapidly switching from one mood to another but I thought it was better than saying what my mum would say which involves promiscuous people and their underwear (no judgement, you do you and I’m here for it, I support your choices) but anyway I’ll let you use your imagination for that one.
Mood swings are a big part of my day to day life at the moment. The emptiness has subsided somewhat and I’ve had days where I’m almost euphoric. Which sounds good, right? And I do enjoy it sometimes but I also get very annoyed at myself because I know I need to calm down. When I’m like that I’m very friendly, I definitely over share, I make plans I probably won’t be able to carry out, I spend money very impulsively, I hardly sleep, I think I’m right about anything and everything and I feel pretty invincible. The downside is that I burn myself out eventually, I have to cancel plans, I spend all my money on shit and other people are rarely on the same wavelength which is pretty fucking annoying to me and to them. Especially in the morning. Now let me tell you, I am not a morning person but on the rare occasion when this excitable little bean appears in the morning, it’s fucking annoying. Nobody wants to listen to me singing and talking shit about 10 different subjects before they’ve had their morning coffee. And no Bella, you cannot start drinking beer at 9am just because it’s a Saturday!!
You know when you were a kid and it’s coming up to Christmas and everything is so exciting and you just can’t sleep. It’s like that x100 (maybe more, it’s really difficult to quantify haha). I almost feel like the inside of my body is shaking and I just need to get all this energy out. I get very agitated when I can’t do something that gets rid of it or when people don’t match my energy. I don’t like to hear logic at this point either. Everything is wonderful and I can do anything and everything. At some point paranoia kicks in and I’m like ‘yeah you’re annoying everyone now shut the fuck up’ and then comes the switch.
Ok so this bitch is a whole different kind of energy. It’s like a sudden crash. In a matter of seconds I can go from this state of pure happiness to feeling anxious, sad, agitated or just completely empty like somethings just been shut off inside me. I feel tired. I can quickly lose the motivation to speak or be around people. I feel anxious that I’ve annoyed someone (which I probably have). I start thinking about the jokes I’ve made and wondering why the fuck I thought I was so funny. The switch can be for no obvious reason or it can be triggered by the slightest change in someone else’s energy or behaviour or maybe a comment which I perceive as a personal attack on me. Now that fucking annoys me the most. I hate that shit because the logical part of my brain (however small it may be) is screaming ‘it’s not all about you, not everyone is focused on you, get over yourself’ but the paranoia is like ‘yeah don’t listen to her, she doesn’t know anything, everyone fucking hates you’. And so it goes on like that until I switch again. I mean, it sounds fucking crazy but this is all happening internally and I feel a bit weird about it.
The switch from good to bad is very easy, I actually never mean to do it, it comes suddenly and there I am in this mood and feeling fucking awful. Now the switching from bad to good, that’s a different story. In my mind I’m actively trying to stop being in this mood which is a lot more difficult. I’m pretty self aware at this point so I know I’m being irrational but it’s an internal struggle and a back and forth between my self awareness and the cranky bitch. Actually what works better is if I just stop trying and just talk to people and stop focusing so much on whatever psycho Sally is telling me in the back of my head.
Oh yeah so side note, Sally is what I call the side of me that I don’t like. Sometimes she’s quiet and sometimes she’s really fucking loud. Just to be clear, people with Borderline Personality Disorder do not have more than one personality. BPD is where you have difficulties with how you think and feel about yourself and other people. So Sally isn’t a separate personality, it’s just a way for me to identify the intrusive thoughts, the running commentary of self hate and the paranoia and work through them. Does that even make sense? I don’t know. Sorry.
The truth is, for most of my adult life I have had these mood swings, these episodes and this version of me that I’ve hidden so deep down that I myself did not recognise her or the problem. It was so normal to me but equally I also knew that a lot of what goes on in my head is weird for others so I hid it. I guess I just accepted that this is me. And that’s not actually a bad thing, I think self acceptance can be extremely difficult but I already have that shit nailed (sometimes).
The reason I had to expose ‘Sally’ and stop hiding it/her is because it all got too much. The suicidal thoughts were becoming too real, too scary! The vulnerability I feel by being open is no match for that so I had to do something. I do worry that people will think I’m lying because I hid it for so long. I worry that people will treat me differently. I worry that it’ll be used against me. I worry that people will think they have to walk on eggshells (they absolutely don’t). I’m worried that nobody will ever love me again because this has been identified as a problem. That’s for another day though I’m sure I’ve rambled enough!
I’ve added some links to the bottom of this page if you want to find out more about Borderline Personality Disorder as well as the usual numbers and links for if you need any help for yourself.
Look after your brain, Bella xx
Samaritans: 116 123
999 if you’re in crisis and can’t keep yourself safe