I wrote this earlier this morning when I was in a very emotional state so it’s a bit hectic but I didn’t want to edit it and take away what I was feeling at the time!
I woke up this morning with a chest and a head filled with sadness and I couldn’t pinpoint why. I got up, I got dressed and I got ready for work but now my face is wet from tears and my mascara is running down my face, my chest is tight, my belly hurts and I’ve spiralled into a full on meltdown.
If I can’t pinpoint why this is happening how can I make it better? I just need to ride it out. It’ll stop soon.
Yesterday I was reviewed by my psychiatrist and I was given a full diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I ended the call and I got on with my day like nothing has happened. I just didn’t really know what to feel. Relieved? Scared? Sad? Happy? Worried? Maybe a little cocktail of them all. Could do with a cocktail. Shit it’s 7.30. Anyway, whatever it was, it was too overwhelming so I blocked it out. Is that why I’m sad today? I don’t know.
My psychiatrist didn’t want to diagnose me with BPD initially but said I have traits of it. I kind of got used to the idea that I *only* have depression and not a personality disorder and that maybe I’ll get better and I won’t relapse and if I do all the right things I’ll be ok. And now I have to change my thinking again and get used to the idea that this is me. Emotionally unstable. Just how everyone wants to be described.
My heads telling me I’ve made it up. But now I’m a fucking mess are you really trying to tell me I’m not emotionally unstable?!
Who’s ever going to love someone who’s as crazy as me? Who would want to be friends with someone like me? People I’ve loved in the past have left when my mask has slipped and this horrible thing is exposed. Unloveable little mess.
Am I wasting my life away being sad all the time? What’s the fucking point? I need to just remove everything and everyone that’s making me sad right now. I don’t want to be sad. But then I don’t want to be empty either. Nobody can be happy all the time. What’s even normal? How often should we be sad?
I was so happy last week. I was so positive and full of energy. Now I’ve crashed.
Fuck I’m tired.
Look after your brain. Bella xx
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