Did you know that if ants were the size of humans they’d be as fast as a Lamborghini? Last year, depression hit me like a human sized ant.
People think that depression just means you’re sad all the time. I don’t experience it like that, because for me, it’s a real rollercoaster of emotions. I start off very agitated and anxious before my mood plummets into the abyss. And then between the sadness and the emptiness I experience real highs and I’m happier than Mr Tumble on acid, and it tricks me into thinking I’m better. Those highs don’t last too long and they usually result in me crashing back down to Earth quicker than Felix Baumgartner.
I feel my emotions intensely and I’d like to try and describe them to you.
🌻 My happiness is yellow and it feels wonderful. Everything seems brighter and I feel indestructible.
💗 My love is pink and it makes my heart feel like it’s going to burst out of my chest. It’s wonderful and overwhelming.
🌈 My excitement is all the colours of the rainbow and it makes me want to scream with delight and gives me an energy that I wish I could bottle up and store for times when I don’t have any.
But, like I said, it’s a rollercoaster and unfortunately these little pockets of happiness don’t last long, as a pose to the negative feelings which seem to last a lifetime.
🌋 My anger is vile. It’s red. It’s destructive. It can tear anyone down and just spews out of me like lava from a volcano.
🌫 My sadness is grey and it sometimes feels never ending. I can handle crying to a certain extent, but if I reach the point where I’m crying it usually turns into a full blown meltdown and I can cry for hours! You know when Justin Timberlake said ‘cry me a river’, well I don’t mean to brag but I can actually do that. lt leaves me exhausted and with a horrible headache. Whenever I feel sad, the intrusive suicidal thoughts creep in like the grim reaper ready to take my soul.
💣 Anxiety attacks are black and they have a profound physical affect on me, like I’m drowning in my own thoughts and feelings; I can’t breathe and I can’t quite reach the surface to catch my breath.
🤍 My emptiness is just that, empty, colourless, lifeless almost. Recently, this is my most prominent emotion, or lack of. Sometimes I emotionally punish myself or act impulsively just to feel something. And that can get me into some sticky situations and it has in the past (maybe we’ll go into that another time but my Mum is going to proof read this).
What really pisses me off is that I don’t really feel funny anymore. It’s hard to be funny when there’s a gaping hole where my personality used to be. Jokes don’t come as easily as they used to and it takes me a while to ease into social situations where I feel comfortable enough to expose the mouthy, sarcastic and blunt human my friends and family know and love.
When I’m well, I like to think I’m the life and soul of the party. I like to think people like being around me and have a good time with me. And maybe they still do, it just takes more effort for me to be the girl they know and that’s exhausting. Having said that, I have friends who I can be whoever I need to be and feel whatever I need to feel when I’m with them. And I usually feel my happiest when I’m with those people. I’m comfortable. I’m relaxed. I’m cracking jokes. I feel more like me.
I can’t wait to be well again. I can’t wait to be funny again. I can’t wait to feel like me again. I just want to be better now.
Look after your brain. Bella xx
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