You know when you were little and everyone wanted to be a Disney Princess? Everyone wanted to meet their Prince Charming and go to the ball. I was never that kid. My Barbies had their hair cut off and were enlisted in Action Man’s army whilst I went out collecting slow worms and frog spawn. I’m not a princess kind of girl, but in my adulthood I find myself becoming jealous of Sleeping Beauty.
But why? She didn’t get a pumpkin turned into a shiny carriage, she didn’t have the crockery singing to her at dinner time, her boyfriend couldn’t bypass the Easy Jet check in and just jump on a magic carpet to piss off to Ibiza for a week. I mean, they all had their trauma but this poor bitch gets a prick on the finger and she’s asleep for 100 years, all because her Mum and Dad mugged some old witch off! I used to feel bad for her. But now I kind of envy her.
I feel like I need 100 years worth of sleep before I feel even remotely human again! But I swear, if some geezer wakes me up by kissing me I’m likely to kick off. First of all, there’s a consent issue there and second of all, imagine my morning breath. Wave a croissant under my nose, that’ll do the trick.
For me, sleep is a big indicator for how I am mentally. And as with most things, I’m all or nothing! I either don’t sleep, or I sleep too much. Sometimes I have little episodes where I’m really happy and excited and I’ve got a million and one things flying around in my head, I want to talk to people, I’m making plans, I’m learning, I’m obsessing over something so I just don’t need sleep! Similarly, if I’m upset over something in particular, I don’t sleep. I replay my pain over and over, mentally punishing myself for whatever it is I’m sad about! Part of my ‘emotionally unstable personality’ means that I feel things very intensely. Sometimes the most minor things can give me that kind of gut wrenching, chest crushing pain you feel when your heart is broken, and I can’t sleep when I have that! But that kind of sadness is different to the general depression I have and is usually triggered by a particular event. Most of the time I don’t have anything specific that I’m sad about. In fact, I don’t really feel sad. I don’t really feel much of anything a lot of the time. It’s a kind of emptiness but at the same time feeling weighed down by something. More recently, I have found myself sleeping a lot. That emptiness, the masking, the getting up and going to work, living a normal life and being ‘ok’ is absolutely exhausting!
Getting out of bed is so difficult, all I can think about in the morning is ‘should I call in sick?’ or ‘how early can I get home so I can nap?’. I make jokes about being a nap queen but sometimes I’m worried that I’m sleeping my life away! I get anxious and feel guilty about it! For me, the fatigue is one of the worst symptoms of my depression. If this is something you deal with, my best advice would be to listen to your body. Rest when you need to, but try and stay active as much as you feel able to. I wont let this beat me, but I will nap when I need to and if Aurora can sleep for 100 years, wake up, marry the man of her dreams and rule a kingdom, why the fuck can’t I?
Look after your brain! Bella xx
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