Here’s my first blog post! I’m here to write about my mental health as a kind of therapy. I’m currently on the road (longer than the fucking M6) to recovery. I was recently diagnosed with a recurrent depressive disorder with a bunch of other weird and wonderful symptoms that are beautifully woven through that disorder just to spice things up a bit. My psychiatrist calls these ‘traits of an emotionally unstable personality’.
This is the first diagnosis that I’ve received from a psychiatrist and I cried when he told me. Obviously I knew there was a reason I had just spent an hour on the phone to him, pouring my heart out, telling him my deepest darkest secrets; but it’s still difficult to be told that there’s something *wrong* with you. I also cried because this diagnosis didn’t give me the answers I so desperately craved. Here I am, telling a complete stranger about the time I didn’t shower for a week and had to cut a matted bit of hair out of the back of my head, and I felt like he was saying ‘yeah you’re just sad a lot hun’. Obviously, that’s not what he was saying. This shit is pretty severe and he in no way downplayed that. Once I’d processed it, I realised that this diagnosis is actually very helpful, and so were the pills he prescribed! He also made it clear that this was the start of a very long road and that my diagnosis might change.
In the days after receiving my diagnosis, I started to feel like I had some validation for the bullshit my brain spouts on a regular basis, for the memories I didn’t get to make, for the friends I’ve lost, for the times I made my Mum cry when I called her telling her I wanted to die, for all the time I spent hating myself, for the tears I cried, for the heavy guilt I carry with me, for the fucking weight gain because I’m an emotional eating machine with absolutely no self control! I got validation for all of that and so much more. I got my label. Some people don’t like labels (most men I’ve dated for example), but some people do. I don’t really mind. I can’t say this is a label I particularly wanted, nobody wants this shit, but I know there’s something *wrong* with me, and sometimes you just need someone to put a name on it. Even just to answer some of the 93727101 questions I have about the way my brain works. I needed that. So that’s where we’re at in terms of terminology and my mixed feelings about it.
Just a note to say that if you’re grossed out by the lack of personal care, I don’t care for your judgement and this blog probably isn’t for you! If you got to the end of this post without judgement, thank you! I hope it wasn’t a complete waste of your time, I hope it wasn’t too heavy going and I hope you’ll come back for more!
Look after your brain! Bella xx
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